Insecurities Part 1 of 2

insecure

For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14

I was always insecure growing up. More so of what other females thought of me than what the male population thought of me. I could walk in a room and become immediate friends with boys/men. Girls have never been my forte. It started as young as second grade when I got glasses until this very moment while typing this. There are a million and one things in between that added to my insecurities but one stands out more than any other and has stuck with me to this day.

I was in seventh grade. I had glasses and was made of knees and elbows. A group of girls were told that I had said something about them that I may or may not have said. I don’t recall that far back. These particular girls traveled in a pack like wolves waiting to pounce. They began cornering me in the gym locker room EVERY DAY my seventh grade year. A group of about 12 girls would block me in a corner and take turns screaming at me and calling me names and threatening me in front of the whole girls locker room. I would just stand there helpless with no one coming to my aid. These girls were all in sixth grade which was even more humiliating and I even remember a couple of eighth graders getting in on the action. They never laid a hand on me but would get within inches of my face screaming as loud as possible at me. One of the girls had a brother who was a couple of years older than I but I knew exactly who he was because he was trouble. A lot of trouble. She would tell me he was in a gang and he was going to beat me up and then when he was finished she was going to urinate on my face. It was awful and hurtful. It tore me apart and broke me down. Every day was torture. There were days I would attempt to hide in the bathroom stalls in the gym until they left but they always found me. I didn’t tell a teacher because I was threatened. I didn’t tell my Mom because I was embarrassed and I thought I could just handle it myself.

Fast forward to eighth grade. The leader of the wolf pack moved away and the rest of the girls moved on to being mean to other people. It didn’t matter though. The damage had already been done. I changed my seventh grade summer. I was ready for them. I was going to stand up for myself even if I had to take a beating to do it. I became very mean and bitter. I lashed out. I had a bad attitude. I felt like it was my place to put everyone else in theirs. I never got the chance with that particular gang of girls. I did however with just about everyone else. I was so rude and I didn’t like girls at all. I couldn’t get along with them. I didn’t know how to. I hated females for the most part and I didn’t trust them. It took me this long to figure out what caused that emotional damage. To this day I have not one female friend I can call and just chat with on the phone.

I sit here typing this blog with tears in my eyes because that 7th grade year was one of the worst years of my life and it changed me. I didn’t have enough of a relationship with God to pray about it or ask for help. I had a relationship but not enough of one. Had I just been able to trust in God and pray about that situation he would have taken care of me. He would have been with me no matter if I had told a teacher, told my Mom, or just started swinging on all 12 of them. 😉

The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior; thou saved me from violence. I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. 2 Samuel 22:3-4

Years later I have insecurities about something that happened when I was 12 years old. The insecurities developed into other things over the years but stem from the same occurrences. I was made fun of at an early age about my glasses and a couple of boys threw rocks at me every morning on the play ground in second grade. Sometimes they would even push me down on the playground. I don’t so much fear people being mean anymore. I created this alter ego that I have to work really hard to control that is willing to throw down at any given moment. If I am going to be a true Proverbs wife/woman, that is not an alter ego I want taking over, but it is an everyday battle not to let it rule my life.

To avoid posting a novel I am splitting this subject into 2 different posts. The next one will be about worrying about what other people think. My insecurity graduated from fear of people targeting me and getting picked on to fear of impressing others and what others think of me. It all goes hand in hand and one caused the other. I am just thankful I can recognize it and God and I can work on it together.

Life isn’t fair and it is a cruel world. I fear for my three boys because I never want them to feel the pain I did.

bullying at school or college

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10 responses to “Insecurities Part 1 of 2

  1. Thanks for being tough enough to share Jennifer. Girls can be the worst. I was always insecure in school bc one girl picked on me a few times. I felt like I wasn’t special enough for others to waste their time on (whether it be to like or dislike). To this day there will be times I won’t talk to people bc I feel like they don’t care what I have to say. It’s definitely a tough world we live in.

  2. Omg!!! Girl!! Get me a list of names!!! Thats awful breaks my heart just thinking about it..i can relate to not really having “girl” friends..even now i have to be careful because i would so much rather be around guys then girls..

  3. Jennifer just read your blog and it brought tears to my eyes, it hit home to me in many ways. I’m so sorry you had to endure such cruelty!! I just want you to know from the moment I met you I thought of you as a beautiful, outgoing, smart well together young woman!! Reading your blogs have opened my eyes, I have been home for the last couple of months and it’s giving me time to think about the person I am. I want to become a stronger person in Christ!! You really inspirer me. Well to keep things short if you ever need someone to call, or someone to pray with I am here!!! You are truly a beautiful person;)

  4. Oh Jen, I wish I had known. I want you to know that I would and will always stand up for you if you need it. There have been so many times looking back that I know I could have been a better big sister. I am so sorry.
    Love,
    sis

  5. Now I just need names. lol….. This as a mom, sister, and woman in general just makes me sad. I wonder sometimes why God designed us the way he did (because yes it is perfect) why do we not teach our daughters better or trust as teens that our moms may understand? This is why I had Briten read the book “mean girls” . My prayers and hopes as a mom are that this cycle be broken as it is long overdue. As I age I have learned to let God have “most” of my fiesty-ness but I also have learned to accept that He made me who I am for a reason.

  6. Thank you all so much. I’m not saying any names. 😉 Most of them all still live around here and I have the pleasure of seeing the “leader” of the pack quite often. She to this day has no idea who I am. But I know exactly who she is because those wounds will never allow me to heal. I have forgiven all of them though.

  7. I hate bullies. Mine started as early as Kindergarten! will never forget it – I cried every day not wanting to get on the bus. It was a girl a grade ahead of us….hmm wonder if we had the same bully. Makes me feel sick to think about it!

  8. Yes Jen I am sitting here crying for my little girl. You kept me in the dark about all of this until now. This answers a lot of questions about your behavior while a teen. You have always been beautiful to me but yu are becoming more beautiful and strong by the day. I can see God at work and He is awsome and so are you.

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